On Facebook and Instagram, we all act like our lives are perfect. We never fight, we don’t walk around the house all day in last night’s pajamas, and we definitely don’t avoid chores. But on Twitter, things get real and you figure out that your marriage is just like the rest of them. Check out these 29 tweets that are so relatable, you’ll realize your marriage is 100% NORMAL (and special, of course).
Awkward Roommate Situation:
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
The Pains of Becoming Parents:
[wife squeezes my hand as she gives birth]
Me: that’s really sore can you squeeze less. There’s gonna be bruising around the knuckle I can tell
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 9, 2018
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 18, 2018
Having Different Hobbies:
Sundays in March:
Me, “Can we please stop with the basketball? I’m so bored.”
Husband, casually changing the channel to golf, “Okay.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 18, 2018
Planning for the Future:
Student loan company form: "Do you want your spouse to be responsible for paying your loan if you die?"
*eyes snoring husband*
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 19, 2018
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Not Wanting to Grow Up:
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
Annoying Each Other Forever:
Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Life < Food:
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
The Power of Target:
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
Figuring Out Who Makes the Rules:
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
— Son of Dad (@Steven37366100) October 20, 2017
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2017
The Money Battle:
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
Teaching Kids the Basics:
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
Forgetting About Date Night:
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
Taking it to New Heights:
Wife: *points to a high shelf* Can you reach that for me?
Me: You need me in your life after all.
Wife: I could replace you with a step ladder.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2017
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
The Pantry is Lying:
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
Just Cleaning Up a Little:
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
Choosing a Pet:
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
The Worst Chore:
Hey baby it's Friday night, why don't you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) January 30, 2016
Trust No One:
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
We hope you enjoyed these tweets and shared some laughs at the ones that sounded just like you. Be sure to follow Datebox on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook for other hilarious, relatable, and helpful content!